Broken

I wrote this last Tuesday at the OA Meeting. Not sure what I think about it yet, but it came out. I feel I need to share it with all of you.

Broken

I need to be broken
I need to be repaired
I cannot be mended
Until I am completely
Disassembled
The pain, it sucks
But I hold onto it like it’s gold
I am afraid of what is out there
So afraid it will be worse
Why can’t I trust the Potter
The one who knows
EXACTLY how the pieces fit
He can remould me if necessary
And just begin again
How do I surrender to be broken
And yet be whole again
And the fears try to creep in
I try to fight them back
I just need to ask the Potter
For His healing
For the willingness to give in

Written May 14, 2013

Unwanted Surprise Visitors

So, tonight as I was trying to prepare dinner, there was a random knock on my door. Right at that moment, I received a phone call as well. I am very grateful for that phone call because it kept me from having to deal with the 2 men from my church that just randomly showed up.

I am currently now in panic mode. I left the church because of mine and David’s relationship and I have no intentions of going back. I also don’t want to excommunicate myself (i.e. removing my name from the records of the church) or have the church excommunicate me (them finding out that I am an active member of the GLBT community). I know one of the men that showed up tonight possibly has “intentions” for me. I think he is attracted to me, but I am not completely certain and I don’t want to find out. We were talking for a while, but it was going places I didn’t want it to go, so I stopped calling or texting him.

I just wish they could leave me alone. I am gone. Why can’t they just stop?!

I think it’s going to have to come down to me coming out and telling them things that I don’t want to, that I shouldn’t have to. It’s none of their business.

I just want to cry. I don’t know what to do. David did tell them that I was on the phone. I guess they asked how long I would be. Dillan, in all honesty, told them he didn’t know.

Please… God, stop this. I don’t want to excommunicate myself. I don’t want to be excommunicated. I just don’t know what to do.

Mother’s Day

So, this sounds horrible, but I hate Mother’s Day. It’s one of the hardest days for me to deal with. I would much rather deal with death than Mother’s Day. I know that’s horrible, but it is very true.

One of the main reasons I hate Mother’s Day is that, when my eldest son was 4, I gave up both my sons for adoption to my mom and dad. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was in no shape to be a good mother. I was 20 years old, just been raped in the beginning of the year, and was so afraid that I would abuse my sons and be nothing more than a welfare mom. I wanted my children to have a mom and a dad and have a better chance at life than I’d been given.

Now, my eldest son and I are close and my youngest son hates me. It hurts like hell. I never meant for him to hate me. I know he blames me for his being born.

I also hate that my mother treated me like she never really wanted me. I hate that she always did things for my brother, but the only time she ever really stood by me was when I pregnant at 16 with my eldest son and when I was raped and got pregnant with my youngest. I feel like she blames me for having to marry my birth father. I feel like she never, ever wanted me. Even to this day, I’ve begged her to come visit me, to come hear me sing, and she always makes excuses. My brother, on the other hand, she keeps letting him move back home when he breaks up with his girlfriends, takes care of him, and gives him the attentions I’ve always begged for.

I did call her today and wish her a happy mother’s day, although I really didn’t want to. I did it out of obligation.

So, today really and thoroughly sucks. I want it over. Sorry this is all over the place, but I really hate myself today. I want to delve head first into a head of chewy sprees until I’m dead. No, I’m not doing that. I am not going to the food. I am trying remember that pain is just as much a part of life as is joy. It hurts like hell. It sucks. But it is also life and I must learn to live life on life’s terms.

Day 106

So, today, something happened that I knew was going to happen. One of my sponsors isn’t in a place to sponsor me, so she’s asked that I find a new one. I am in a much better place this time and can accept this. I know she’s got her own struggles right now, and that’s OK. I have someone that I can work with, though I’m not sure I am ready to do my 5th – 7th step with them. I guess what I need to do is talk to them and ask them if they are even up to being my full time sponsor as opposed to being my food sponsor.

Yeah, it hurts a little. Loss always does. But I haven’t lost my old sponsor. She’s still a friend and someone I care about deeply. But I am losing her insight on things now, and that has always helped me. She and I have so much in common when it comes to our pasts and that was a huge comfort to me.

Also, I hate change. I loathe it. What human being doesn’t. But it’s change that brings about growth, acceptance, and a new way of looking at life. It’s what I need right now. So, I am going to start delving more into my 4th step, to see what I need to work on, to clear my side of the street, and then, hopefully, I will be able to give that away and soon.

I am glad that I still have my abstinence under my belt, although it is still very fragile at this point. That abstinence has kept me sane about this whole situation. Also knowing that I have all of you to talk to helps, too.

There are days that are dark. There are days that I just don’t feel the presence of God at all. Actually, that is most days. But I am starting to see a slow, not quite pin-hole size light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope some sort of stupid shit doesn’t walk in the way of that light and try to block it out again.

Please keep me in your prayers. The pieces are slowly being glued back together, but they aren’t quite dry yet. I know it’s just one small thing that could bring it all crumbling done.

Day 105

Today is an interesting day. Got a lot on my mind and not sure how to filter and sort it. I just wanted that video (see the post below) and it really has me thinking. I am a chameleon. I am always morphing myself into what everyone else either wants me to be or thinks I am. I really don’t know who I am. I never have. I’ve just always morphed and become what others need and/or want.

With that said, how do I even begin to find the real me in all of the various incarnations of myself? I really don’t have a fucking clue as to where to begin.

Yeah, I’m in a 12-step group (OA, to be specific) and I know that’s going to help, but who am I? What am I? DAMMIT!

This is going to take me a long time to figure this out. I doubt I will ever really figure it out. I will probably just keep morphing, changing, and mimicking what everyone else wants me to be.

I am scared. I feel very alone. I feel like, no, I AM, a child stuck in the body of a 41-year-old woman. I wasn’t ever taught proper life skills. I was never taught how to handle money. Hell, when I got my first period when I was like 10 or 11 (sorry, can’t remember the age, just know it was around that time), I had no idea what was happening to my body. All I know is that I woke up one morning with blood in my Wonder Woman underoos. That’s when my Mamaw told me that this would happen once a month and that it was because Eve sinned that we had to go through this. My mom (or none of the rest of my family) ever taught me about sex, well, except for that talking about it was dirty and wrong. I was never taught how to use pads or tampons. I was never given any advice about any of this.

My body was dirty and I still have that concept of myself to this day. I am sinful. I am sin. I will never be cleansed from my sin no matter how hard I try.

Today, I just want to give up. Please pray that I don’t.

THIS!

Shane Koyczan: “To This Day” … for the bullied and beautiful. I needed to see this today, to hear this today. Now, if I could just get my heart and soul to believe, that would be an amazing miracle.

Day 104

Don’t know how much I am going to write today, but I think I need to make this a habit. I do know one thing that I need to do. It’s something that one of my sponsors suggested. I need to make a list of at least 5 things that I like about myself. I know this is going to be hard because I am so good at looking at all the bad stuff and never really looking at the good in myself. Why should I? I mean, I was never really encouraged to do this when I was growing up. Why would I start now?

I will start now because, just because something was taught to me as a child doesn’t mean it’s right. I need to learn, somehow, to love myself. I don’t love myself. I don’t think I ever have. I’ve never loved myself in the skin I’m in, whether that skin be fat or thin.

So, here it is, 5 things I like about myself (in no particular order):

1. My eyes. I love how green my eyes can be. I love how they have the little specks of gold in them. I had an ex that he loved my eyes because the gold flecks reminded him of wolf eyes.
2. I love my compassion. I know this irritates the heck out of David, but I have to see the good in people.  Yes, there are plenty of days where I am judgmental and arrogant (especially when I see guys who have to insist in “swagger” and holding up their pants by grabbing their crotch), but, I know that I still try to see the good in everyone. This has gotten me hurt on more than one occasion, but I should not judge all of mankind on the insensitivity or malice of one person. How would we get by in the world if all we ever did was judge and mistrust one another.
3. I love that I can make things for others. I love that when I give something that is crocheted, I can see a smile on someone’s face. I remember when I made my nephew a crocheted dragon. I was so sure in my heart that he would hate it. He loved it! He was so excited to receive it.
4. I love my intelligence. OK. I know I’m not the smartest person on the planet, but I am damn smart. I can listen to music and usually pick up the beat and know whether it is 4-4 time or 3-4 time. (I still have an issue picking out 6-8 time, but you can use 3-4 time, so it’s all good.)
5. I love that so many of my friends call me Mom. I take pride in that. I love that people can see the nurturing side of me.

I think that’s it for today. I have a meeting tonight. It’s should be on Step 5 -  “Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs” unless there is a newcomer. If there is a newcomer at the meeting, we usually go back to Step 1 – “We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Thanks for reading.

Day 103

So, this weekend was definitely filled with a lot of ups and downs. Friday, I paid some bills, David and I stopped for dinner instead of me making it. We went to Fazoli’s. It was good, but not as good as if I would have made it at home. Their bread sticks are like crack, so I only got the 2 that came with my meal. I also opted against the garlic butter I usually get. My only complaint was that their side salad was more of a non-existent salad. Seriously. If it weighed more than 2 oz without the dressing, that would be completely surprising. I then went to my meeting that night. The topic was “Surrender vs. Acceptance: If we surrender, do we have to accept it, or are acceptance and surrender the same thing?” I mostly zoned during the meeting. I don’t know. I just felt like it wasn’t clicking with me that night. I went to fellowship after the meeting and then had to fast for the rest of the night because I was having blood work done the following morning.

Saturday was an early day for a weekend. I had to get up early, take David to drill, and then go get my blood work done. I was so hungry. Well, at least I thought I was. Who know? It could have been just thirst masking itself as hunger. When I finally got into the room to have my blood drawn, I told the lady where she needed to draw. Her response – “I will determine that.” Um, HELLO! I have been having my blood drawn for ages and I am fairly certain that I know which vein is the best one to drain me of my vital fluids. I so wanted to smack her. I should have asked for someone else. It didn’t dawn on me at the time to do it.

After the blood work, I went to Perkin’s for breakfast. I will say one thing about Perkin’s – their healthy breakfast menu is lacking. I ended up ordering an Mediterranean omelette with a side of fruit and a HUGE bowl of oatmeal. See, I asked if I could substitute the oatmeal for the toast and that isn’t possible. So, what they do is take away the toast for $0.35 discount and then charge you $2.99 for the oatmeal. Yeah. And, I just wanted a small bowl of the stuff. I got a bowl of oatmeal that would have fed 2 people. Seriously. It also came with dried cranberries, brown sugar, and milk. I told the waitress to just take the brown sugar right on back. I debated about the cranberries and decided against them since, most of the time, they are coated in sugar. I didn’t use the milk because I’ve never used milk in my oatmeal. I know there are people who do that, but not me. YUCK! I just asked for some butter and used a packet of the Equal Suclarose.

I went to the North-side 10 am meeting. The meeting discussed Step 5. It was much needed.

For lunch, David and I went to IHOP. I ended up having yet another omelette because a salad didn’t sound good to me. I ended up eating the Colorado omelette with extra salsa and fruit. It was good and it felt like a good decision.

After lunch, I took David back to his unit and waited until 2 to call one of my sponsors. I told her how I was feeling and she helped put things into perspective. (She’s really good at that). See, I weighed myself earlier that morning and I weighed 286.8  I was very much beating myself up because I only lost like 3 pounds. She reminded me that I’ve lost 10 pounds since I started weighing myself once a month in March. That’s an awesome achievement. I know my doctor is going to be happy when I go see her on the 20th, too. My sponsor said that I have to tell how much weight I’ve lost since March at the meeting tomorrow. I told her how I felt I wasn’t doing something right in regards to my food. She suggested that, instead of writing down what I was planning on eating the next day, I should write down what I am actually eating. So, I started that yesterday.

Dinner – what did I have for dinner? Damn! I don’t remember. OH! I had Papa Roux. I had 1/2 a roast pork po-boy with no bread and no rice (that means it came with cole slaw, the pork, and Papa’s vouxdoux sauce). I also had 3 sides – 2 mushroom etoufees and 1 tomato creole stew.

We went home that night, watched something on TV (I just don’t remember what), and went to bed. I decided against going to my club meeting and the party I was supposed to go to. I just needed to be away from people for a while.

Yesterday, I got up early with David so I could take him to drill. I then went back home, had breakfast, and took a shower. Why, oh why, do I hate taking showers. I feel so much better after one.  But I do hate expending the energy. Weird. After my shower, I went to church. I went back to the Community of Christ. It was a good service about listening to and spreading the Good Word. It was also the first Sunday, which meant that it was communion Sunday, too. I haven’t taken communion/sacrament in over a month. It was good that I could. After church, they had a pitch-in and I got to hang out with the people that I haven’t seen in forever. They so accepted me back with open arms and no questions asked. It was amazing. I actually cried at one point. It’s going to take me a while to get back into the swing of things, but I know that it’s where I truly belong.

I’ve also been doing some serious thinking about the LDS/Mormon church. I am thinking about removing my name from the records. This will be me excommunicating myself. I don’t know if I should or shouldn’t. I don’t know how to even begin. I don’t want to out David as he is a member, too. I’ve just put myself in a very difficult situation and I really don’t see an easy way of getting out.

I think that’s it for now. It’s been a while since I’ve had a post this long.

Hope you all are well and please keep me in your prayers.

100 Days

Today is day 100. I can’t believe I’ve been abstinent (3 meals/day, nothing but life in between the meals, one day at a time), no sugar. It hasn’t been easy. Actually, it’s been a lot of hell. There are plenty of days where I just want to throw it all away and give in to the siren song of food. I don’t want to deal with life, to deal with emotions, to deal with anything at all. I just want to drown all my sorrows in food. I am very lucky though. I have great friends, family, and sponsors who truly love me and keep me focused. Even this weekend when I was at the OA retreat, I still wanted to dive into the food and not deal with my feelings. I wanted to isolate. There was even a day when I went back to the cabin and I just bawled my eyes out. I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to go back, take back control of my food, and just say a few choice words. I am very grateful that I didn’t.

I am realizing some things about myself. One of the biggies is that I am very lazy. I hate moving. I also hate doing things for myself and would much rather prefer others to do things for me. Another is that I am still grappling with my issues of self-hate/loathing. When I look in the mirror, I cannot see the beauty that everyone else seems to see. I just don’t. I wish I could. Maybe someday I will, but I don’t see that happening for quite sometime.

I also think of myself as unworthy of love – either from David, my family, my friends, or even God. I don’t think I’ve ever felt worthy of anyone’s love.

One thing I did discover when I was at the OA retreat was this awesome journal. It’s called a 10th-Step Journal (I think) and it’s from OA Region 7. I am going to get myself one. I was talking to one of my sponsors last night and she suggested that I do a 10th step every night. This is a good place to begin. I’ve never done one before, so I think I will use this as a tool.

For those of you who don’t know, OA has 9 tools of recovery. You can find them here. One of the tools is writing. I need to do this on a daily basis. I also need to work on talking to my Higher Power (I call this power God/Heavenly Father) every morning. It’s just so hard to get my ass out of bed in the mornings, especially when I’ve been having trouble sleeping.

I am thinking that I would like to start posting pics on here of how my body is changing. I don’t know yet. We will see. I’ve kept this anonymous so far and I don’t know if it would be a good idea to put pictures out there of myself showing possible weight loss when my recovery is supposed to be more than just physical. Very confusing dilemma.

I want to thank everyone who does indeed read my blog. I don’t know if I am helping anyone, but I hope I am. I may try to write more later about my 100 days. We’ll see. If not, I will probably write again on Monday.

So, if I don’t see or hear from you before Monday, have a groovy weekend and God Bless!

 

 

What I Hate Right Now

I swear, I am so over restaurant and food commercials right now! They only really show them after 5 pm and way into the late-night hours. Just now, there was a Hardee’s commercial talking about their biscuits (and their newest creation involving them). The way they described them made me want to climb through the TV like Carol Anne (Poltergeist) and eat ever last one of them. DAMMIT! I have been abstinent 98 days now and I am not going to give it up for some damn biscuits. So, here I am, writing.

I did do some reading and journaling tonight. One of the things that trigger binges is eating out. When I eat out, it’s like I get an adrenaline rush, I get those endorphines, and I want it more and more. I wanted to go to the First Friday Food Truck Festival , but after talking to my sponsor tonight, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I mean, I just came from an awesome retreat, worked on and wrote about things, and now I want to not go to a meeting so I can go out to eat?! No, not cool man. Not cool.

I did want to hang out with friends, but I can hang out with them on Saturday at my Sci-fi/Fantasy club meeting or the party I am going to that night. Seriously. I was just trying to use hanging out with my friends so I could get the adrenaline rush from going out to eat. Bad idea. Glad I was called out on it.

I need to get my breakfast and lunch packed for tomorrow and then off to bed. I am going to have a long day tomorrow. After work, David and I are going to a friend’s house to help in her garden.

I will be grateful when this week is over.

Good night all.